I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. How would I, an ex-Muslim atheist, want to raise my children? Like most Pakistani atheists, I am married to a Muslim spouse who is very sensitive about my atheism.
It goes without saying that I will not be able to keep pretenses about Islam with my children. That would be unauthentic and wrong. Perhaps it would make sense to let my children be indoctrinated with Islam. If nothing else, they would be better adjusted, socially. However, I need to earn my sleep at night and indoctrinating my own children with a known falsehood would be morally problematic for me.
I have therefore come to an agreement with my spouse: She will guide and advise them as she prefers, as Muslims, and I will not contradict her messages to them, until they are at least of an age where they can judge for themselves. Then it will be up to them whether to debate me to death, or see the light.
My duty would be to instill an innate sense of skepticism, an appetite for objective inquiry. I am positive, that Islam itself, with its teachings and its history, will do the rest!
February 16, 2009 at 12:00 pm |
I am having similar trouble these days but your solution hardly seems a solution at all. Is there really an age when children start to “judge for themselves”? What age do you have in mind? Three, five, or ten? I would rather get at my children before they start school for that is where I first met the most ferociously religious of my fellows. Also I don’t think you can passively watch while someone (even if its her mother) indoctrinates your child with Islam of all religions!
But I still haven’t figured it all out either. One of the things I am thinking of doing is coming out; to be more open about my atheism and let our daughter openly know of my lack of belief early on.
Another thing I want is to let our daughter know from the start that Islam is what her mother ‘believes’ and is not necessarily the only truth. You cannot do that from a passive position.
March 7, 2009 at 9:40 pm |
It is most common problem in Pakistan and really needs more discussion for solutions as father has also an equal right to teach truth to the children.
March 12, 2009 at 10:30 am |
well honestly,
i have the same problem in a way!
but you know, i give my spouse a lot of credit. i mean, it is extremely hard to wrap your head around the fact that i am an atheist. you know, people ask questions when they don’t see me going to say my eid ki namaaz three years in a row!
but about kids; i’m damn worried. not about my spouse actually, she’s got a solid head on her and does know that i will (inadvertently) influence their view on religion.
so we’ve decided to come to terms with it all; i’m not gonna talk to them directly about my atheism until they’re 14, till which point neither of us will try to force either of out beliefs on them.
lets see how that works out!
i’m glad i found this site waisey.
March 15, 2009 at 10:04 am |
Hi,
I am also an atheist living in Pakistan. I am glad that you have setup this blog. I was wondering if you could help me out with some questions. You have said that your wife is a Muslim and knows that you are an atheist. How can that be. As you should know, in Islam it is not allowed that a Muslim marry a non-Muslim. How did you tell your wife about your belief. Did you become an atheist before marriage or after marriage. Did you tell your wife before or after marriage. I am asking because I will be getting married soon. I don’t know what I should do. Should I just pretend to be a Muslim and spare my future wife the trouble. Should I tell her about my belief and risk losing her forever. It’s an arranged marriage so if I do tell her and she backs out of the marriage then she will surely have to tell our parents about her reasons for doing so. This would be a nightmare. My parents are strict Muslims and at their age they simply can’t handle this kind of situation. Please give me some advice.
Thanks.
March 19, 2009 at 8:19 am |
To the commenter immediately above this:
I think you should come clean with your wife-to-be. Do not say flat out, that you are an atheist, but say something like, “I am not really sure there is a God and I am not religious at all. I am telling you this upfront so that you know before we tie the knot.” It’s important for you to do this because, down the line, she might blame you for not being honest about your secularism. Telling her upfront is the morally right thing to do here.
-P.A
March 19, 2009 at 9:07 am |
@pakistani atheist:
regular updates my man! this blog is kinda picking up, isn’t it?
@zeeshan:
you’re kinda right about the “passive position” bit. but like i said, what worries me isn’t the mother of my child, but other kids. they can be so mean and can totally alienate other kids for the slightest of reasons. that is what really scares me.
but what is the age of reason? i think it all depends on the child. honestly, i’ve met some 10 year olds who’re pretty darn smart, and some 25 year olds who’re as dumb as a ton of bricks. all comes down to the child and what kind of environment they’ve grown up in.
@anonymous:
either you can keep everyone else happy by lying to yourself and other and thus keep yourself totally unhappy….
….or you can tell your wife. you will be spending the rest of your life with her, therefor you can’t lie to her forever.
come clean as soon as you can. like that bandaid you need to pull off